10 Things People Say After Divorce That Make You Feel Worse (Even When They Mean Well)

When I was going through my divorce, people said all kinds of things meant to help — little phrases they thought would comfort me.

But one I heard over and over was:

“I don’t know how you’re doing it. I know I couldn’t.”

It was meant as admiration, I think. But it landed like isolation. Because the truth was, I didn’t know how I was doing it either. I wasn’t choosing to be strong — I didn’t have a choice.

It’s strange how something so personal becomes a public conversation. Everyone has an opinion, an anecdote, or a “bright side.” And while most mean well, the result can be the exact opposite of comfort — it makes you feel more alone.

Here are ten things people often say after divorce that can unintentionally sting — and what you might say back, if you can find the words.

1. “You’re so strong.”

They think it’s a compliment, but it can feel like pressure — like you have to stay composed when you’re falling apart inside.

Why it hurts: You don’t feel strong. You feel tired. You’re doing what you have to do to get through the day.

What helps instead: “You don’t have to be strong right now. I’m here for you.”

If you want to respond: “Strong isn’t how I feel right now — but I’m doing my best.”

2. “You’ll find someone better.”

It’s meant to cheer you up, but it skips over the grief. You’re not ready to think about someone else. You’re still sorting out who you are now.

Why it hurts: It assumes that the best way to heal is to replace what was lost — but what you really need is space to breathe, to rest, and to come back home to yourself.

What helps instead: “You deserve peace and joy — with or without a partner.”

If you want to respond: “I’m not focused on that right now. I just want to find my footing.”

3. “Everything happens for a reason.”

This one might be the hardest to hear. Because sometimes things just happen — unfairly, painfully, without reason.

Why it hurts: It tries to skip over your pain. It says, move on, when you need to sit still.

What helps instead: “I don’t have the right words, but I’m here.”

If you want to respond: “Maybe someday I’ll see the reason. For now, I just need to feel this.”

4. “He or she will never do better than you.”

It sounds like a compliment, but it keeps the focus on him. It ties your worth to his regret — not your healing.

Why it hurts: It’s still about the past, when you’re trying to build something new.

What helps instead: “You deserve someone who shows up for you the way you’ve always shown up for others — starting with yourself.”

If you want to respond: “Maybe. But I’d rather focus on what’s next for me.”

5. “You’re better off without him/her.”

Maybe you are. But that doesn’t make it easy. Divorce can bring both relief and heartbreak.

Why it hurts: It erases the complexity of what you’re feeling — the loss, the guilt, the love that might still linger.

What helps instead: “This must be complicated for you. I’m here for all of it.”

If you want to respond: “Maybe so, but it’s still hard.”

6. “My friend went through a divorce, and she’s great now!”

Good for her. But that’s her story, not yours.

Why it hurts: It minimizes your pain by comparing it to someone else’s “happy ending.”

What helps instead: “Everyone’s timeline is different. You get to take your time.”

If you want to respond: “I’m glad she’s doing well — I’ll get there in my own time.”

7. “I don’t know how you’re doing it. I know I couldn’t.”

This one still makes me wince. It sounds empathetic, but it draws a line between you and them — as if you’re made of something tougher.

Why it hurts: You’re not stronger, just surviving something they haven’t had to.

What helps instead: “You shouldn’t have to do it alone. How can I support you right now?”

If you want to respond: “I didn’t have a choice. You just do what you have to do.”

8. “You need to get everything you can from him/her.”

People think they’re being protective — but it can make you feel small, or like your dignity is up for negotiation.

Why it hurts: It reduces a painful, complicated situation to a transaction.

What helps instead: “I hope you’re being treated fairly through all of this. You deserve stability and peace.”

If you want to respond: “What I really want is to move forward with as much grace as possible.”

9. “Don’t worry, I’m on your side.”

Loyalty is lovely, but it can feel like another battle you didn’t ask for.

Why it hurts: It turns something deeply personal into sides — winners and losers — when you just want calm.

What helps instead: “I’m here for you. Whatever this looks like.”

If you want to respond: “Thank you. I’m trying not to make this about sides.”

10. “They're going to regret this someday.”

Maybe. But that doesn’t make you feel any better in the moment.

Why it hurts: It keeps you tied to their future, instead of your own.

What helps instead: “You don’t have to carry his/her choices. You get to focus on yours.”

If you want to respond: “Maybe they will. But I’m more interested in my own peace than his/her regrets.”

Why the intention behind the comment matters...

Some comments really do come from good intentions — from people who care but don’t know what to say. Others, though, come from curiosity, comparison, or discomfort. Sometimes people just want information. Maybe they want to make sense of your story so they can feel safer in their own. 

It’s okay to see that clearly.
You don’t have to make excuses for anyone or keep smiling through tone deaf comments when you’re exhausted.

Because you can feel the difference, can’t you?
In your body, you know when someone truly understands. Their words land softly instead of stabbing. Their tone carries warmth instead of pity. When someone really gets it — maybe another woman who’s been there herself — your shoulders drop, your breath deepens, and for the first time in a while, you feel less alone.

That’s what we want more women to experience — that deep exhale of being understood.

It’s the feeling at the center of the Ready For More Community, where honest conversations replace small talk, and where you can show up scared, hopeful, or just tired and still be met with kindness and understanding.

You don’t have to do this alone. When you’re ready, we’ll be here — women who get it, standing with you as you find your way forward.

If you’d like to read more about the importance of finding the right community as you move through your post-divorce life, check out The Power of Community After Divorce: Why You Don’t Have to Heal Alone .